Sex & Intimacy During Parenting Years
If you are a parent, you’ve probably experienced a change in your sex life, even temporarily. It comes with the territory. You have more to juggle. Sleep is not easy to come by. There are more things to fret about. You’re not in the mood. All of these reasons are legitimate. And, if you’re anticipating life slowing down or an opening in your schedule to focus on intimacy, you’ll be waiting a long time. Here are some things to keep in mind to cultivate a sexual connection during the parenting years.
Try not to put your sex life on the back burner
It is so easy to pour all of your energy into your family and postpone intimacy. It makes sense. They do need their parents in many ways. And “It seems the norm for so many couples to say to themselves, ‘Now that the kids are here, we’ll focus on the kids. Our day will come’” says Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist who’s TEDx Talk has been viewed more than 9 million times. “You need to treat your relationship like a living thing – which requires nurturing on a regular basis”, she says. Otherwise, you and your partner drift.
Consider that your sex life may have changed
If you have an expectation that sex will look and feel like it did before kids, you may be disappointed. Not only do you have a kiddo in the picture, but time is passing. It is to be expected that bodies, interests and energy levels will change over time. That isn’t a bad thing but a thing.
Emily Nagoski, sex educator and author recommends that couples “start over” by establishing a sexual connection as they did when they were first getting to know each other. “Make out, hold each other, discover ways of touching that are pleasurable and gradually move in the direction of bare skin”, she suggests.
Being ‘touched out’ as a parent can get in the way of intimacy. Much of being ‘touched out’ comes from a child needing something from us like comfort, attention or expressing emotions in physical ways. It can be experienced by the caregiver as a lack of control over their body. If you’re having one of those days, it may not be the time to touch. Consider other ways of being intimate such as sharing an experience, talking about your dreams or positive memories. Another thought is to experiment with being in control of your body. Take charge and ask for touch that would feel good or touch your partner for your pleasure. As always, having consent between partners is a must.
Put on your oxygen mask first
Take time to nurture your individual physical and emotional needs so you have more capacity to interact with your partner. Otherwise, intimacy can feel like a task to check off of the list. Take a nap, exercise, eat well or spend time doing something you enjoy. It may mean enlisting some help from a friend or family member. It’s not selfish, it is self-care.
Practicing self-care as a couple is equally important. Make a list of the things you used to do together that built connection. Are there some things that you can get back to? Talk about how to adjust life demands to make time for each other. Do you have the flexibility to leave work early once in a while? Can you trade childcare with friends or a neighbor on those days?
Think about what turns you on
It is easy to lose connection with yourself when you’re experiencing the demands of parenthood. We forget what it feels like to experience physical pleasure. Take the time to get acquainted with your body. Tune into the type of touch – stroking, tapping, scratching, pinching - that feels good. Play with speed and pressure. You can learn about touch during daily activities such as bathing/showering, putting on lotion or when you are getting ready to fall asleep.
As a couple, it can be helpful to remind yourself of the times when you had enjoyable sex. What were the ingredients for that recipe? What was your partner like? What were you like? Where were you? What did the two of you do together?
It is also helpful to remember that not everyone experiences spontaneous desire, the kind of desire that shows up out of nowhere. Some experience responsive desire. This is when desire follows erotic stimulation. Both ways of experiencing desire are normal. If you’re noticing that you are more of a responsive desire person, you might experiment with self-stimulation to see if your desire turns into arousal (sometimes it won’t). Or establish a “let’s make out and see what happens” philosophy with your partner knowing that there will be times when arousal doesn’t occur.
Don’t count on spontaneity
Can you recall how much time you dedicated to your relationship in the beginning? Getting dressed up for each other, going on dates and getting to know each other both emotionally and physically? And, through different life stages, it is important to continue to dedicate time to your couplehood. Sometimes that takes effort. Think of building good sexual habits into your lifestyle. Simmering, the concept of interacting in a brief, erotic way with your partner every day, can be helpful. This practice is not intended to be foreplay but a reminder that you are intimate partners. A quick make out, playing with your partner’s hair, a squeeze or hug are examples.
Don’t overlook deeper issues affecting your intimate life
Trauma, desire discrepancy, painful sex, chronic illness are just a few contributors to infrequent or lackluster physical intimacy. It may be important to speak to a professional such as a physician or sex therapist.
How to Reconnect With Your Partner After Having Kids. (2020, April 17). New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/sex-romance-after-kids.html
LCSW-C, R. B. (2023, March 8). How to Have a Sex Life When You Have Kids (Yes, It’s Possible!) | Baltimore Couples Help. Baltimore Counseling & Therapy - Baltimore Marriage Counseling. https://www.baltimoretherapycenter.com/how-to-have-a-sex-life-when-you-have-kids/