36 Questions that Build Connection
If you’re feeling distant from your partner, or the spark has gone out of your relationship, it could be that a famous set of 36 Questions could help!
Developed in the 1990’s by social scientists Arthur and Elaine Aron, the 36 Questions were first used to test whether getting close to another person could be aided by a gradual process of self-disclosure. Self-disclosure – revealing your own thoughts, feelings and experiences to another person – is an important part of all close relationships. It helps the other person know you, relate to you, understand you, and trust you.
As developed in the lab, the Arons and their team wanted to isolate this process of self-disclosure from other aspects of closeness, such as interest, attraction, and compatibility. While the initial set of questions was designed to focus on romantic relationships, the final version of the questions is suitable for any close relationship: friends, family members, or romantic partners.
How the questions work
The questions are broken down into three groups, each calling for an increasing level of self-disclosure. The topics require partners to become more open, honest, and vulnerable with each other.
The first set is fairly straightforward, and is likely to feel fairly comfortable. An example question from this section is: Would you like to be famous? In what way?
The second set becomes a bit more personal, and calls for greater self-disclosure. An example from this group is: What is your most treasured memory?
The third set is the most vulnerable, calling partners to explore things they may not have thought about, as well as reflect on their relationship. An example: Tell your partner what you like about them. Be very honest, saying things you might not tell someone you’ve just met.
How to use the questions
If you are feeling distant or uncomfortable with your partner, the questions can be one part of rebuilding closeness. Use them on a date night, or after dinner when you have some time together. Be sure to get buy-in from your partner. Set a relaxed mood in a cozy spot. Maybe add music or candles.
Start small. Keep it relaxed. Maybe try out just the first 4-5 questions in the first group in one sitting. Take your time. Remember this is about building connection gradually.
As a listener, show interest. Use eye contact. Respond to your partner’s answers. Let them know if you are surprised by something they share. If something strikes you as funny, feel free to laugh together. But keep the mood kind and supportive. Remember, as you disclose yourselves to each other, it’s risky for both of you. By staying positive, you let each other know that opening up is safe.
When you’ve finished your first 4-5 questions together, check in with each other:
Which question was easiest to answer? Hardest?
Which of these topics would you like to talk more about? Feel free to talk more about this, either now, or at another time.
Another night, go on to explore another small group of questions. Doing this process gradually over a number of weeks will reflect the original intent of the study: gradually building openness, honesty, and trust over time. These important results take time to develop.
More results from the research
In addition to the importance of responding to your partner’s self-disclosure, Elaine Aron shared two other interesting results from their ongoing research:
In a follow-up study, same-sex strangers of different ethnic groups who worked through the questions were found to have less prejudice toward the other person’s ethnic group over time. Wow, this is an important result!
When two couples worked through the questions together, their friendships grew. Not only that but the partners in their ongoing relationships got closer too, even increasing their passion.
When not to use the questions
Using the questions is a great way to build closeness with your partner, but it’s not a sure-fire way to fix every problem between you. For that, you may need to try out a couples workshop, or seek couples therapy. Do not use the questions unless you have buy-in and interest from your partner.
Here are the questions!
Here is a link to the 36 questions. When you have buy-in from your partner, or from a friend or family member, they are a great way to gradually build openness, honesty, and trust!
Aron, Elaine, Psychology Today, 36 Questions for Intimacy, Backstory: This post is the real story behind research I was involved in. January 14, 2015. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-highly-sensitive-person/201501/36-questions-for-intimacy-back-story
Cherry, Kendra. Very Well Mind, Unpacking the 36 Questions That Lead to Love: Why and How They Work, February 12, 2024. https://www.verywellmind.com/unpacking-the-36-questions-that-lead-to-love-8559179#toc-responses-to-the-36-questions
Greater Good in Action, 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness, https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/36_questions_for_increasing_closeness
Love, Shayla. Scientific American.com podcast, Love and the Brain, Part 1: The 36 Questions Revisited. February 13, 2023. https://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode/love-and-the-brain-part-1-the-36-questions-revisited/