A Heartfelt Conversation

It is so easy to get into a communication ruts with our partners. Our busyness leaves very little time to talk about life’s logistics and even less to simply check in with our partner about how they are doing. Does that sound like you? Let’s take a look at an intentional and heartfelt check in and how it contributes to closeness.

The truth is, it’s important to have all sorts of interactions with our partners

·       High road interactions include energetic, ‘loving life’ moments such as vacations, great sex, fun dinners or activities. Many of these interactions include novelty.

·       Middle road interactions are made up of the logistics of life. Paying bills, meal planning, life projects and goals.

·       Low road interactions include sharing vulnerabilities, insecurities or meaningful celebrations.  

These low road conversations can provide an opportunity for us to be known, understood and celebrated which is a type of connection that most of us crave. And, feeling connected in this way improves our physical and mental health, helps us to be more empathetic to others, be more confident within our lives and reach for our partner more often in sexual and emotional ways. When we can have heartfelt conversations, we are also able to repair quicker with our partners when we become disconnected. The more practiced and confident we are to have low road conversations, the easier the middle and high road interactions become. Take a moment to check in with yourself. What would/does it feel like to be known and understood by your special someone? What would/does it mean to you?

These conversations tend to be without an agenda. They are typically without pressure to fix or conclude with a plan. They can be meandering, engaging, playful. They can also be heartfelt with emotion, And, most of all, vulnerable. Can you recall the last time you had a low road or heartfelt conversation? How did it feel? What did you share or hear from your partner?

Striving to have heartfelt conversations don’t come without obstacles

·       Many of us haven’t had this sort of conversation modelled for us in our homes growing up so they take practice. Taking emotional risks can be scary! How can the two of you create safety to venture into heartfelt conversations? What do you need from your partner to make it a little less daunting to try?

·       We can be agenda focused. If we have a few moments in our day, we may feel as though we need to fill them with something to accomplish or check off our ‘to-do’ list.

·       What if we start a heartfelt conversation and it gets emotional or starts down a path that could lead to disconnection? What if I may fail or risk being vulnerable, and I am not heard?

·       Is there an obstacle that you encounter that hasn’t been mentioned?

These are all logical concerns that would be a reason not to go the low road. And, what happens if you don’t? You may be missing out of lots of yummy connection that can feel soooo good!

Here are a few thoughts to get you started down the low road

·       Start with getting each other’s attention. Being up front about the kind of conversation you are hoping to have allows you to decide if you have the capacity for a heartfelt conversation. If you do, it also helps to get into a headspace to tune out the rest of the world and tune into each other.

·       Body language plays a part. Take the time to get comfortable in front of each other. Maybe eye contact is important to the two of you. For others, being in close contact or touching creates a warm environment.

·       This is a great chance to practice being accessible, responsive and engaged with your partner. Here is an article reviewing the A.R.E. approach.

·       Curiosity is your friend. When we are curious, we absorb information without needing to fix, add our perspective or judge. Just being there is enough.

·       Begin a conversation with an open-ended question. “How are you doing?”, “Tell me what is on your mind”, “What is your rose and thorn from the day?”

·       If you are finding this difficult to do, that’s okay. It’s important to pay attention to what is keeping you from going there. Honor this part of you that says, “Don’t do it!” Take the time to understand the story that you are telling yourself, the emotion that goes along with the story and what you need to take an emotional risk with your partner. This may be something you decide to take to a licensed therapist to learn more about.

Taking the time in invest in your couplehood by having heartfelt conversations can have a great payoff. Reading and talking about this article can be a great jumping off point. Safe travels on the low road!

The Three Roads of Connection is a concept shared by George Faller, licensed marriage and family therapist