Be That Happy Couple
Wondering what makes happy couples work? What makes the good vibes flow between them? It’s emotional responsiveness, and it involves 4 key moves.
Come close when your partner is in distress.
It can be scary to see our partner upset. It can trigger us into thinking we are the problem. We can be tempted to freeze or pull back in order avoid making things worse. But it’s actually the freezing and pulling back that makes things worse!
Instead, when you see your partner in distress, come close:
Stop what you are doing.
Use a gentle touch and a calm tone.
Let them know you are there for them.
These moves used together can help calm your partner and quiet their anxious nervous system. Read more about this here.
When you come close and calm your partner’s distress, you become their source for comfort and calming.
Actively listen when your partner needs to talk.
We don’t like to see our partner struggling. It can be tempting to give them advice or tell them not to feel bad. But when we try to fix or talk our partner out of their feelings, it often leaves them feeling unheard.
Instead, when your partner shares something difficult, try these Active Listening steps:
Tune in. Give them your full attention. Don’t think about what advice to give. Don’t think about what you should do to help make it better. Just listen.
Focus on feelings. Listen to what they are saying, but focus on the feelings. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Feel into their experience.
Use minimal encouragers. Nod your head once in awhile to let them know you are hearing them. Or say “uh-huh” or “yeah” to let them know you are getting it.
Let them know you heard them. When they are done, tell them what you heard, especially what they are feeling. Say something like, “So your coworker is really stressing you out by dropping the ball on their part of your project. Is that right?”
If just listening and hearing doesn’t calm them, you could add, “How can I support you with this?”
Actively listening takes work. But the payoff is in helping your partner feel heard. When your partner feels heard, they can usually let their problem go, or find their own solutions. Or ask you for help if they need it.
Reconnect when you get disconnected.
It can be hard when you and your partner argue. You don’t feel safe and close with each other. You feel stuck. Like enemies, both hunkered down in your bunkers.
It can feel impossible to break through the icy wall this creates between you. But it can be done.
It takes risk.
Here’s what reconnecting could look like:
Notice what’s happening inside your own body. Is your heart racing? Is your guard up? Are you thinking terrible things about your partner?
Calm yourself down. Take a deep breath. Remember your partner is not the enemy.
Break the ice. Using a calm tone, say something like, “Hey, let’s not do this. Can we try that again? Maybe talk about it differently?”
Often a calmer tone and willingness to reach out is all it takes to melt that icy wall between you. By reaching out in this way, you create a new path for reconnecting when you get disconnected.
Encourage your partner when they feel insecure.
We all need reassurance from time to time. Whether it’s about the relationship, our job, or just about who we are as a person, we all need to know there is someone who believes in us.
Here’s how to be that person for your partner:
Remind them you believe in them when they express doubts about their abilities.
Reassure them you’re not going anywhere when they question you or the relationship.
Let them know you love them exactly as they are when they seem to doubt their own value.
Giving your partner this kind of unshakable encouragement is super important. It’s a secure base. It’s exactly what we all need to function in the world.
We all have our doubts from time to time. When it happens to your partner, be the secure base they need to regain their sense of security and belief in themselves.
