Stay open to intimacy
It’s been a long day. While you are finishing dinner, your partner comes onto you sexually. You may feel pressured to decide – in that instant – whether you want to have sex with all the bells and whistles: penetration, orgasm for both of you … mind blowing sex. That’s a lot to think about when you are clearing the table and loading the dishwasher!
So, you turn your partner down, along with the possibility of intimacy and connection. This is unfair to both of you. You deprive yourselves of closeness and connection. You don’t allow for the possibility that it’s alright to make out or play sexually without orgasm and penetration. There isn’t a chance to find out what you are interested in doing together. Your bodies may not be warmed up enough to feel arousal or desire, which has a lot to do with your sexual arousal cycle. Instead of shutting down intimacy in a moment like this, try the following:
Do your own work.
Be willing to make sense of the thoughts and emotions that drive how you interact with your partner. When your partner initiates sex, what do you say to yourself? What is the emotion that you feel? Determine what your brakes and gas pedals are to intimacy. Know yourself. I guarantee you have good reasons for responding the way you do. You are normal and not broken!
Collaborate and communicate.
Talk to each other about the ‘dance’ you create together around sex & intimacy. You initiate sex and your partner says ‘no’. What do you do next? How do they respond to you at that point? It takes two to tango! If talking about sex & intimacy is difficult, talk about why it is difficult. What are the consequences if you begin a chat? It may be helpful to agree to multiple brief conversations than one long one. If you are finding that you are stuck, seek the help of a certified sex therapist.
Simmer.
Simmering is a practice of consensual touch on a daily basis. It is not intended to lead to sex - that is foreplay. Examples of simmering are lingering kisses or making out, stroking, squeezing your partner’s body, close dancing, eye gazing and flirting. You simmer to simply enjoy the moment with each other. When couples simmer, they are developing a familiarity with each other’s bodies in a sexual way. When the time comes and you agree to be sexual, it is easier to move into arousal and erotic play.
Stay accessible to one another.
When you are thinking about being sexual, can you give yourselves the option to begin playing in order to find out what you’re in the mood for? Often times, there are reasons we don’t allow ourselves this freedom. What would happen if you started playing and decided you’re not ‘feeling it’ anymore? Wanted to keep going? Can the two of you work it out so it’s okay to express your interest or lack of interest any time during sex? Having this kind of safety around sex and intimacy takes the pressure off. Sex play may occur more frequently and be more satisfying.
It’s normal to not want sex
There are times when we are simply not in the mood for sex. You are normal to feel this way. Talk with your partner about how you can navigate these moments and maintain connection. What does it mean to hear “no” from your partner? Is there a way they can be honest with you that would be easier to hear? What is it like for you to say ‘no’ to your partner? What do you need from your partner to make it easier to speak your truth?Can you offer a ‘soft no’? A ‘soft no’ is a saying no to sex but offering something else. For example, “Honey, I’m not really in the mood for sex. I would really enjoy taking a bath with you”.
Developing an openness to sex & intimacy takes collaboration and intention. Relational sex is a team sport. It’s not simply about the times you are having sex. It is about communication, creativity and, above all else, making it safe to be honest about your interest in sex at any given moment.
