How to be Accessible
Recently my husband said something that left me speechless.
We had planned a date, and a few days beforehand, he said to me, “Let’s make an agreement about our date. No talk about work. Let’s just talk about us and our life together.”
I almost choked. I’m a relationship therapist! I invite couples to give each other this kind of undivided attention all day, every day! And here was my husband, asking me to give it to him!
I felt embarrassed. I felt busted. Then I laughed. “Wow,” I said. “This tuning-in-to-your-partner stuff is easier said than done!”
What does it mean to be accessible?
I’m resolving to be more accessible to my husband. It’s one of the three components of emotional responsiveness, as identified by Sue Johnson in her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Emotional responsiveness is what keeps couples happily together for the long haul. Which is what I want with my husband.
So what is accessibility, and how do I cultivate it? It means being available to your partner. Showing them they are important to you. Giving them your full attention when they need it. Staying open to them even in moments when your own reactive emotions get triggered. When I spend our couple time talking about my work, I’m not being accessible.
Here’s my game plan for becoming more accessible. Maybe it will help you too:
Give my partner my full attention.
When we’re talking, I’ll put my phone on the table. When he comes in the door after work, I’ll turn off the TV. I’ll give him eye contact so he knows I’m interested and paying attention to him.
I’ll share with him about my work, and ask for his moral support when I’m under stress. But I won’t let work to dominate our conversations.
So what will we talk about? I plan to get curious about him, and share vulnerably about me. I’ll ask about his highs and lows. About what is challenging in his life. What he feels excited about. Here are a few additional conversation starters for couples.
Give a “soft no” when I can’t give my full attention.
It wouldn’t be authentic or realistic of me to drop everything every time he speaks.
When he wants to talk and I’m unable to give him my full attention at that moment, I’ll let him know his need is important to me, and that I want to be fully present to him, but I can’t just then.
Then I’ll work with him to negotiate a time when I can focus on him completely.
Hold steady when my own reactions come up.
Sometimes when he expresses his own stress, I can get reactive. I take it personally, and feel I’ve let him down. That’s when I can get defensive. My tone gets snappy. I might cut him off or put up a shield of protective anger.
You may have your own reactive emotions and moves. Maybe you get angry and yell, question, or blame. Maybe you withdraw into logic, or you get quiet and shut down.
I’m going to work on catching myself in those moments, and calm myself by taking a deep breath, counting to 10, or coaching myself that it’s not about me. I’ll do my best to stay connected and open to him rather than reacting. This is called holding steady.
My husband gave me a real gift when he asked me to focus on us during our date. He let me know what he needed. His asking for this and my working on it is all part of that emotional responsiveness Sue Johnson talks about. It’s easier said than done, but it will strengthen our relationship for the long haul. And that’s exactly what I want.
