Put touch in your toolbox
No matter your goal, touch is a powerful tool for nurturing change in your relationship.
Use touch to shift the mood.
Sometimes it can feel like you and your partner are quietly co-existing. Rather than shrinking back into the silence, use touch to get connected. A gentle touch on the arm, with eye contact and a smile, says, “Hi! You matter to me,” and can begin a simple exchange that breaks the ice.
Other times, missing each other can escalate into an argument. How do you shift the mood?
First, take a deep breath. Connect with your intention to make things better. Reach out, taking your partner’s hand or sitting down next to them.
Speak from your intention, moderating the tone in your voice and saying something like, “I don’t want to fight with you.”
If your partner pulls away or erupts, try to hold steady. Take another deep breath. Say again, from your intention to reconnect, “Let’s not fight. How can we make this better?”
Feeling your touch and hearing your intention can have a powerful impact on your partner, activating their parasympathetic nervous system, the system that calms and relaxes the body. Talk about using your powers for good!
Use touch to build affection.
Sometimes things are going smoothly, and we want more affection with our partner. To be sure both of you are on the same page, it’s best to let your partner know about your interest, and get their consent to have a conversation about this. With their consent, talk together about your ideas, and agree on a few you will try. Consider these:
Start the day with connecting touch: Before your feet even hit the floor, connect with a kiss and a caress. Talk about the kind of touch – location, degree of pressure, and tempo – you both most enjoy. Sprinkle in a few words of encouragement or share one thing you love about each other.
On parting and coming back together during the day, connect with touch: A 6-second kiss or mindful hug is a way to be in the moment with your partner, communicating your love for them and how important they are to you.
During all those times in between, make opportunities to touch, with consent: Take your partner’s hand as you have coffee together. Play with their hair or curl up on the couch together as you watch TV. Offer them a spontaneous hug or kiss for no reason at all. All of these moves, with buy-in from your partner, will bump up your affection quotient!
And what about sex?
Touch is a vital component of sex. It is important that touch (whether sexual or not) is experienced with consent. Consent goes hand in hand with communication, not only during times of sex play, but also when discussing your preferences regarding touch during times you are not being sexual.
When touch is experienced with consent and you are able to communicate in the moment about the type of touch you enjoy (or don’t, as well as when your enjoyment wanes in a particular moment), it can create an environment of pleasure-filled fun, because sex is one of the ways we play as adults!
You can experiment with different types of touch. Try starting on a G-rated part of your body where you consent to being touched:
The types of touch include: stroking, scratching, tapping and biting
Amount of pressure you utilize (on a scale from 0 (lightest) to 10 (intense)
Speed at which you touch (on a scale from 0 (stillness) to 10 (extremely fast)
When you combine these in different ways and in locations all over the body, touch becomes infinite!
Whatever change you are seeking to make in your relationship, touch can help. Try out any of these ideas, or come up with some of your own! Touch is a must-have tool for your relationship toolbox!
