Two paths to desire
Let’s see an imaginary show of hands: How many think sexual desire occurs out of the blue? You think to yourself, “Wow, I am really horny right now and I want to be touched!” You’re overcome with the anticipation of sexual pleasure. And you wait for moments like this to be sexual.
This out-of-the-blue desire is called “spontaneous” desire. Almost everyone, at different times in their lives, experiences spontaneous desire. It typically begins in our minds.
But this isn’t the only path to desire. There is another form of desire that begins in our bodies. It’s called “responsive” desire. This is when sexual desire emerges in response to pleasure. Someone (yourself included), a situation, or surroundings, arouses you.
If you find yourself leaning more to the responsive side of desire, you may not initiate sex as often. You may say to yourself or to a partner, “I don’t think about sex, so I must not be a sexual person.” Or, “Sex is not important to me,” or “I’m flawed. Inadequate.” Not so! You (and perhaps your partner) may just need to give yourself the opportunity to find out if you’re in the mood.
Create some safety and freedom around sexual play.
Talk with your partner about the spoken or unspoken messages you have received about sexual play. Does it feel okay to ask for what you want or don’t want?
For example, many people, particularly women, have received the message that “I can’t start playing sexually unless I know before we start that I want to have intercourse with orgasm for both of us.” What a stuck place to be if you are a responsive desire person! Many times, the possibility of sexual play ends here because there isn’t an opportunity to touch and find out if you are interested in sex.
Talk about creating some safety for each other. Make an agreement that it’s okay to play until you don’t want to anymore, no matter where each of you are in your arousal. No harm, no foul.
Explore what prompts sexual desire for you.
Take some time to find out what prompts sexual desire for you. As Emily Nagoski Ph.D. explains, pleasure is not as simple as “touch me here in this way.” That’s because whether a sensation feels good or not depends on context. Understand which contexts allow your brain to interpret sensations as pleasurable and erotic. You can explore that here.
Expand your repertoire of sexual play.
Expand your repertoire of sexual play. Many partners think about sex only as intercourse or genital touch. There is so much more real estate to consider! Take the time to get to know your own and your partner’s bodies. With consent always, explore how you each experience pleasure — all over! Experiment with touch here.
If you find yourself pushing through sex or feeling obligated to be sexual, STOP and identify your barriers to exploring sexual pleasure for yourself. When we are having sex for other reasons beyond our desire to feel good, it can contribute to lack of desire.
The most important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to experience desire. If you are good to go anytime, anywhere, GREAT! If you need some external stimulation to see if your desire kicks in for sex play, FANTASTIC! Both paths are normal! Both paths are good!
