Engaged Means Involved
Being engaged in your relationship means being involved with your partner. Making each other a priority. Actively supporting and confiding in each other.
Make each other a priority
Time
Like anything else that is important to you, you need to make your relationship a priority. That means setting aside time for the relationship. Making those regular date nights. Taking time to just talk over coffee. Honoring commitments you make with your partner.
Cherishing
In addition to time, making your partner a priority means putting them above other people and things in your life. Cherishing them as precious, and the relationship as unique. Valuing them above your job, your hobbies, even your other relationships.
You can let your partner know how much you cherish them in words, gestures, a look, or a touch you reserve for them alone. Remind them regularly what you love about them. Bring them coffee in the morning. Let your gaze linger when you look at them. Give them a loving touch you give no one else.
Valuing
Let your partner know you see their value. Let them know you believe in them. Remind them of this, especially when they express self-doubt: “I know how capable you are. You can do this.”
Don’t fix, be curious
Be curious about your partner. Interested in them. Listen to their feelings and allow yourself to be affected by them. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it’s like for them: “Wow, that sounds really hard.” Or if you can’t imagine what it’s like, let them know you hear their distress: “I’m not sure I understand why, but I can hear this is hard for you.”
This kind of response is way more effective than trying to fix the problem or calm your partner’s feelings down. When you try to fix or calm them down, they generally feel unheard, like their feelings don’t matter to you.
If you sense your partner is upset, but they aren’t talking about it, check in and offer to stay close: “I’m picking up something from you … I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t want to leave you if you’re upset.”
Don’t beat around the bush
Quick quiz: What’s the best way to let your partner know you need their help?
Ask
Get quiet and respond with few words
Complain and hope they will respond
Answer: A. Your partner cannot read your mind. Being indirect will most likely lead the two of you into a dance of disconnection. They will most likely misread your signals and respond in a way that is not helpful, and leaves you feeling isolated and alone.
Instead, share your doubts and worries. It takes risk to do this: “I hate it when we fight. I’m feeling really distant from you. Are we okay?”
Ask for help when you need it: “I’m tossing and turning and can’t sleep. Will you hold me?”
Start small
If all of this feels a bit out of reach, start small. Read this article together and talk about it. For example, if answers B and C in the quick quiz sound like you and your partner, have a conversation about this. Talk together about why it’s hard to reach out and and ask for what you need. Or about why it’s hard to make each other a priority. Or to hear and be affected by each other’s feelings. Conversations like these are the first steps in creating engagement!
References:
An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us, 2nd Edition, by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald.
Emotionally Focused Therapy for Dummies, Brent Bradley and James Furrow.
