Add a pinch of novelty to your relationship
This is the time of year when many celebrate the holidays. And with the holidays come traditions. Traditions can bring comfort, remind us of meaningful experiences, and rekindle feelings of love and connection.
But if we focus solely on comfort and good times from the past, we can miss the excitement that comes with doing new things together. Our relationship can become stale and predictable, and we may find that the old traditions don’t deliver the feelings of love and connection they used to.
There are a number of benefits of adding novelty to your relationship recipe, according to Dr. Arthur Aron, a pioneer in the study of love relationships. While studying Psychology at UC Berkeley in the 1960s, Aron met and kissed fellow student Elaine Spaulding, and fell in love instantly. The couple went on to research what causes people to fall in love. As part of their work they developed a list of 36 questions that encourage intimacy.
Here’s what the research revealed about the power of novelty in relationships:
First, you invite a whole new set of feelings to come up between you and your partner. Rather than just comfort, familiarity, and nostalgia, you can get feelings of excitement, anticipation, and challenge. This mix of feelings enriches your emotional experience of one another. You keep things emotionally fresh and interesting.
Second, you increase intimacy. By engaging in a new activity or talking about new topics, you challenge yourselves to go into new territory together. These new shared experiences build your bond. You’re challenging yourselves, and you feel closer as a result.
Third, when you experience growth together, it satisfies a need we all have to grow as people and to explore new things. By engaging in new activities with your partner, you both grow, and you experience each other as encouraging this growth. Seeing your partner as someone who nurtures your growth brings both of you greater relationship satisfaction.
Here’s how to sprinkle a little novelty into your relationship:
Set aside a day or evening just for yourselves. Turn down a holiday party or get-together if you have to. Make your relationship the priority.
Make a short list of things you would like to do, but haven’t taken the time. Narrow it down to three you’d both enjoy. Then pick one. If you can’t decide, give one person the first turn. You can do this again next month.
Get outside your comfort zone. If you tend to stay home by the fire, try getting out in nature. Go visit a landmark or park you’ve never visited. Try ice skating, walk on the beach, or take a hike.
Get curious with each other. Talk about a topic you generally don’t. Consider exploring the 36 questions that promote intimacy, mentioned above.
Every relationship needs a balance between the comfort of tradition and the excitement of novelty. So this holiday season, add a sprinkle of novelty to the mix. You just might find the fresh emotions, increased closeness, and growth you’ve both been missing!
