Try this game of touch

Expressing our desires and boundaries in sex can be tough. Identifying what we want and don’t want, and sharing this with our partner, can be daunting. Wouldn’t it be great if there was a way to make it fun and easy?

Enter The 3-minute game! 

Developed by professional body worker and sex educator Betty Martin, the 3-Minute Game is an exercise in one-way touch, and an experiment with giving, receiving, taking, and allowing touch, with consent. Because the focus is on identifying your desires and limits, Martin suggests starting with non-threatening forms of touch (foot rubs, back massage, gentle stroking). The game is built around two important, consent-based questions:

• How would you like me to touch you for 3 minutes?

• How would you like to touch me for 3 minutes?

Question 1: how would you like me to touch you for 3 minutes?

In Question 1, the person asking the question is the giver. As the giver, it’s important to set aside what you prefer, including the responses you hope to see in the receiver. Decide what you are willing and able to do with a full heart. Honor your limits.

The person being asked Question 1 is the receiver. As the receiver, you are asked to get in touch with what you really want, what you prefer. Answering this question honestly calls on you to put your own needs first. Taking time to consider this is key. Don’t worry about giving the giver a good experience. 

Receiving can feel very vulnerable, she says. Even if we’re just receiving a foot rub, receiving exactly what we want can open a door to our psyche that brings up self-doubt: “Do I deserve this?” Receiving what we’ve asked for, what we truly want, can contradict this self-doubt, and help us feel worthy of love and care. 

When we receive what we want, we relax, our brain waves slow down, and we sink into a state of pleasure. It’s liberating.

Question 2: How would you like to touch me for 3 minutes?

In Question 2, the person asking the question will be allowing their partner to touch them in a way their partner wants. Allowing is a form of giving that depends on knowing you have a choice about how you are touched. If you are hesitant, pay attention. You may need more information. There may be a no inside you, waiting to be heard. You may need to set a limit.

In Question 2, the person being asked will be taking action in the form of touch for their own benefit. It is hard for almost everyone. Taking is receiving the gift of access to our partner. In order to receive this gift, you must stop trying to give. You must ask about your partner’s limits, and abide by them completely.

Playing The 3-Minute Game gives us practice in giving, receiving, taking and allowing – and consent. We practice identifying what we want, and we learn to give generously, within our limits. Slowing the process down and starting with simple forms of one-way touch allows us to build skills for giving and receiving with consent around more erotic forms of touch. 

Click here for a booklet you can print on letter size paper that outlines the Three Minute Game and the Wheel of Consent that goes with it.

Click here for a video of Betty explaining the Three Minute Game.