Re-light the fireworks!
In the beginning, everything in a relationship is new, and the infatuation we feel about our newfound love is all-consuming. We can’t think of anyone or anything else. We want to spend all our time with this magical person and the sex is fabulous.
The chemical effects of falling in love
A spike in dopamine plays a part. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that facilitates communication between brain cells. When the brain is flooded with dopamine, we become energized and euphoric. We lose our appetites and have trouble sleeping.
Along with a rise in dopamine, the testosterone family of hormones fuels libido within all of us. Being sexually aroused, or horny, is part of a new relationship. Also, higher dopamine levels cause serotonin hormones to decrease. Low serotonin is associated with obsessive behavior, which can happen when we fall in love.
How the chemistry changes
But these chemicals and their effects don’t last long. Studies have shown that the average length of time we are in the ‘hot n’ heavy’ phase of a relationship is 7 months. If the relationship endures, it is followed by the ‘secure love’ phase with its own set of hormones. Oxytocin and vasopressin are the hormones that are associated with security, trust and contentment. Often called ‘the cuddle hormones’, they spike after orgasm and contribute to a deep feeling of connection.
How to re-light the fireworks
So how do we revisit those days of fireworks? Novelty! Novelty is intricately linked to play which triggers an elevation in dopamine. When we experience something new with our partners, we view them as a source of exciting exploration, a support for our self-growth and strengthens our relationship bond. Novel experiences do not need to be over-the-top exciting, just new and different.
Just as in our activities and conversations, explored in our other article this month, consider exploring novelty in your sex life. Sex is one of the ways adults play. Strive to discover pleasurable touch. Remember, sexual play doesn’t always have to include genitals or orgasm. It does need to be consensual.
Trying new things in the bedroom can be exciting and can also be anxiety provoking. Start by brainstorming ideas that appeal to you and your partner. Experiment in small ways at first. If this seems too daunting, take a step back and have some meaningful conversations about why this may be difficult for one or both of you. Creating emotional and physical safety is vital to being vulnerable and sharing a novel idea.
If you’ve identified some appealing ideas or need some help coming up with some, reading a book or watching a YouTube video might help. Something that is important to mention is that if you and your partner have been experiencing enduring sexual issues, including painful sex, a new piece of clothing or a change in venue may not be the answer. If that resonates for you, consider seeing a certified sex therapist to explore the issues that are getting in the way of satisfying sex.
Just like in our activities and conversations, novelty is the spark that can re-light the fireworks in your sex life!
References:
Fisher, Helen. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt, NY, 2004
Embers Back to Flames: The Erotic Power of Sexual Novelty. 2023, November 1. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201811/embers-back-flames-the-erotic-power-sexual-novelty
