Balancing Parenting and Partnership

As parents, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. There is so much to do, and our kids need so much from us, we can let our relationship slip to second place. If we let this go on, it can have lasting consequences. Resentments can develop. We can wake up and find that our partner feels like a stranger, or even an enemy. Here’s how to prevent that from happening:

Prioritize your relationship.

Consider that tending to your couplehood is positive for your children. Research suggests that a strong connection with your partner provides safety and stability for kids. You are also modeling what a loving relationship looks like and messaging that relationships take focus, nurturance and this effort is rewarding.

Couples researcher John Gottman reports that couples who schedule alone time together are better able to turn toward each other, which means making a positive bid for connection. In his lab, couples who were together after 6 years turned toward each other 86% of the time, while couples who turned toward each other only 33% of the time divorced an average of six years after their wedding.

Schedule a relationship check-in. These are regular times to enjoy and focus on the two of you, and your relationship. Ingredients can include enjoying a favorite drink or snack together, celebrating and appreciating each other, taking turns answering a relationship question, and picking an action item. For ideas on how to do a relationship check-in, click here.   

Take time to talk about the big picture. Day to day family life can get very focused on the here and now. Make time with your partner to talk about the big picture. What goals do you have for the family? What values do you share? How will you impart these to your kids? What dreams do you have about the future? How will you spend your time together once the kids are grown? Sharing your goals and dreams gets you on the same page and helps you remember what the daily grind is all about.

Balance couple time with family time. One couple cited by Gottman started a practice of alternating weekly dates as a couple with family pizza outings. This helped partners feel prioritized by one another and experience the undivided attention they craved, and noticed the kids actually enjoyed time with a babysitter when their parents were out. 

Take small opportunities to connect.

We tend to think in terms of weekly dates or monthly weekends away. But daily connections are like water. We need them to maintain the life and health of our relationship.

Put technology aside. When we focus on a screen, we inadvertently tune out a person. Whether that person is our partner or our child, we miss an opportunity to connect. Insead, talk about trying a shared activity or hobby. Consider a family walk, board game, or hike. Take time for conversation. 

Find little ways to connect. During the work day, text your partner a loving or flirty message. When you meet up in the evening, ask about the highs and lows of their day. Give them a quick smile or a wink for no reason at all. Share a moment when you thought of them. Tell them something you appreciate about them. Express interest in their thoughts, opinions, and ideas. All these small gestures are like water for your relationship.

Unite and conquer. There are moments when we have to divide tasks in order to get things done. But doing tasks together builds a sense of connection and cooperation, and makes the tasks much more pleasant. This is also great modeling for your kids. 

Talk about roles and needs.

Traditional roles can put pressure on both partners. One of you may feel stuck at home, or stuck in the role of the nurturing primary parent. The other may feel stuck in the role of provider. Both of these roles can feel exhausting and limiting.

Talk about ways to balance the load. Find ways to collaborate to get tasks done. You may discover that your partner would love to step outside their role and take on an unexpected aspect of childcare or yard maintenance.

Say what you need. Resentments can grow when needs go unspoken. If you need more time to yourself, let your partner know. If you need more time with them, express this. Using I-statements is a way to express a need while communicating a message of love: “I need you to leave work earlier so you can help me get the baby down and we can have more time together.” 

Model a loving relationship.

Tell your kids you value being a parent and a partner. We may neglect to tell our kids both of these things. By doing so, we give them the security of a solid parental bond, along with knowing they are important to us. 

Express love and gratitude to your partner in front of your kids. By doing this, you show them what a loving relationship looks like. They will become better able to recognize it when they are in relationships of their own.

Give each other grace and forgiveness. Recognize that being both a partner and a parent is hard work! Don’t expect you or your partner to get it right every time. Your relationship will benefit, and you’ll demonstrate for your kids another invaluable ingredient for their own future relationships.

Parenting and partnership can be a difficult balance. But when we make time together, nurture connection, balance roles, communicate our needs, and model love and forgiveness, the two can go hand in hand.

Gaspard, Terry. Four Ways Parents Can Balance Couple and Family Time. https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-ways-parents-can-balance-couple-time-family-time/

Stockhousen, Reece and Milton, Jodie. This 5 Minute Relationship Check In Will Transform Your Marriage. https://www.practicalintimacy.com/relationship-check-in/

Thomas, Michaela. Surviving parenthood as a couple: ways to nurture your relationship every day. https://www.thenourishapp.com/post/surviving-parenthood-as-a-couple

Gable, S., Belsky, J., & Crnic, K. (1992). Marriage, parenting, and child development: Progress and prospects. Journal of Family Psychology, 5(3-4), 276–294. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.5.3-4.276