Explore Play & Intimacy
We typically associate playfulness with childhood. This is a time in our lives when we have more freedom, less responsibility and our imaginations run wild. Research has shown that playfulness does not just benefit children but adults as well. Studies show that when couples incorporate play into their relationship it increases trust, cultivates intimacy and reduces conflict.
In Magnificent Sex, Peggy Kleinplatz explains that great sex often includes play. Taking emotional risks and exploring means being able to discover your partner sexually and also learn more about your sexual self. It usually includes the ability to relax and experiment without the concern of making mistakes. This doesn’t just happen. It requires effort to create a safe environment to take these risks.
Consider the emotional health of your relationship as a whole
If you are not feeling connected outside of intimacy, it is difficult to feel safe in one of the most vulnerable ways of being close. If you are feeling close overall and yet struggle to be intimate, spend some time thinking and talking about what happens between the two of you when you think about intimacy. What blocks you from engaging? This is an important area to spend some time. Ensure that both of you know how to cultivate connection and have ways to repair when you inevitably get disconnected.
Consider taking a break from intercourse and genital touch
Partners can have a range of reactions to this suggestion from relief to anxiety. How you feel about this idea is worth exploring. It can provide valuable insights about what sex means to you. Taking a break allows time to explore all the other parts of your body where pleasure lives. Also, it cultivates diverse ways to play which can come in handy when you experience body changes or sex is not possible.
Take the time to play with touch
The four types of touch include stroking, tapping, scratching, biting. Combine a form of touch with pressure on a scale from 0 - lightest touch possible to 7 - causes bruising (Be sure you have discussed consent about leaving marks) and speed from 0 - perfect stillness to 7 - extremely fast. Apply to different areas of your body. Taking genitals off the table, consider overlooked areas like the underside of the arm, scalp or back of the knees.
How to apply touch
There are so many ways! A hand? Which part of your hand? A feather? A vibrator? Leather or candle wax? You can also consider the temperature of the ways you apply touch. If exploring touch is new to you, start simple. Hands, eyelashes, lips and tongues can invite many ways of playing.
Consider your environment
With consent in mind, consider different places to play. What is sexual play like for each of you at a hotel or in a tent? What emotions or sensations are evoked when you are sexual in the kitchen, shower, guest room or in your car parked in the garage?
Above all else, don’t take yourself too seriously: laugh, be okay with things not going according to plan. After all, isn’t that what play is all about?
Kleinplatz, P. J., & Ménard, A. D. (2020). Magnificent sex: Lessons from extraordinary lovers. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.