Building a Secure Attachment
Attachment is about feeling safe and secure in our relationships. Attachment theory says our early relationships with our caregivers have a big impact on how secure we feel in our adult partnerships. When our caregivers respond predictably and consistently to our needs, we learn to trust them, and later to trust our adult relationships. We tend to feel at ease with our partners, expecting they will be there for us, and turning toward them when we need support. Makes sense, right?
When our caregivers don’t respond consistently to our needs, we tend to grow up feeling less secure in our relationships. We learn to cope with this insecurity in a couple of key ways. Some avoid their partners in an effort to keep things safe. Others go after their partners in an effort to get reassurance. We call these coping strategies attachment styles. For more on your attachment style, check out this quiz.
The good news? Research shows it’s possible to cultivate a more secure attachment style. The other good news? It’s not rocket science. These are simple things you and your partner can do together. They don’t take much time or money. They seem to have the biggest impact on avoidant partners. And the positive results are lasting!
Connect through shared activities
In the study, couples did couple yoga together, holding hands and creating other poses together. You could experiment with other shared activities: going dancing, playing board games, doing an art project, making a sand castle, anything where you are teaming up in an interactive way.
Building on the way couples connected physically in the study, you could build in moments of physical connection at the beginning and end of each day. Try a 6-second kiss on parting and reuniting each day, coupled with words of love or encouragement. Lean in for a hug, and hold on for a minute or two. Deliberately connecting with our partner in this way has lots of attachment benefits.
Connect through conversation
In the study, the couples shared their answers to personal questions, like those found in 36 Questions. Sharing our internal world with our partner builds trust and increases positive experiences of connection.
Give each other appreciations. Every night, share one thing you appreciate about your partner. Light a candle and make this a special ritual. Make it the last thing you do before bed. Don’t discuss your relationship afterward. Just snuggle in and fall asleep together.
Keep a gratitude jar. Write down something you’re grateful for about your partner: something they do, a quality they have, something you love about them. Every day, write one of these on a piece of paper and put it in a jar. At the end of the week, pull them out and read them together.
Make time for positive conversation once a week. Go for a walk. Share a cup of coffee. Use 36 Questions, above. Or try a variation, called “5 Things.” Pick a topic: things that made you smile this week; things you’d rather have been doing than sitting at work; something you’d love to do in the future. If it’s hard to come up with ideas, create a list or pick topics out of a jar.
Reflect on positive memories, random acts of kindness
In the study, researchers asked partners to keep a journal of positive things their partner did each day, and link these with their feelings about their partner that day. This tended to increase positive feelings between partners.
The same was true when partners were asked to reflect back on positive moments in the relationship. These memories tended to generate positive emotions toward partners.
Sharing positive relationship memories could become another topic for your conversations, or another way to end your day.
Pick just one of these ideas as a starting point. Try it for a week and then compare notes with your partner. Did either of you have more positive feelings toward each other as a result of what you tried? Can you build this activity into your weekly routine? Or do you want to try something different?
By bringing one or more of these activities into your life together, you can build a more secure relationship!
Bader, E. Please List Attachment Based Interventions That You Use. Couples Institute. https://www.couplesinstitute.com/please-list-attachment-based-interventions-that-you-use/
Hopper, E.(2017, September 19). Can You Cultivate a More Secure Attachment Style? Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
McCormick, E. (2022, August 30). Six Exercises for Building Emotional Intimacy. Marriage.com. https://www.marriage.com/advice/emotional-intimacy/exercises-for-building-emotional-intimacy/
Strong, R. (2023, December 28). Couple Exercises to Build Intimacy and Improve Communication. AskMen. https://www.askmen.com/dating/relationship-advice/couples-exercises-intimacy-communication.html