Our Protections Have Purpose

When a couple doesn’t feel safe and connected, both partners are unhappy. And both want to make things better. For some of us the main goal is to get closer. For others the main goal is to have less fighting. These are both awesome goals. And we need both in our relationships. We need closeness and safety.

In most couples, one partner is trying to get closer, while the other is trying to have less fighting. Usually the partner who wants to get closer has one set of moves, while the partner who wants less fighting has another. These moves usually conflict with each other, and couples get stuck in a dance of disconnection. The goals of getting closer and having less fighting are both totally legit. And both partners’ moves make complete sense.

In this article, we want to look at the good intentions behind the moves we make. Maybe you’ll see yourself in some of these moves. Maybe you’ll see your partner in others. We hope you’ll understand both yourself and your partner a bit more. And perhaps gain compassion for both of you.

Pursuers

Partners whose main goal is to get closer make a particular set of moves. We call these partners “pursuers.” Their moves are meant to close the gap between themselves and their partner. Fix the distance problem. Help their partner understand and get on board with them.

Pursuers’ moves can include telling their partner what to do differently in order to fix the situation. Focusing on what their partner is doing wrong, in an effort to improve things. Questioning in order to understand their partner’s motives or moves. Turning up the volume in order to be heard or understood. Getting angry to motivate change.

Frequently a pursuer has been trying to get closer to their partner for a long time. It makes sense that they get exasperated, and use lots of words to get their point across. They usually hate it that they have to resort to getting loud and insistent to get their point across. This makes them feel like they are the problem.  They don’t like who they are in these moments, and they can see why their partner may not like them either. It doesn’t seem fair, when they are working so hard to connect and make things better. They are faced with two bad options. They can continue to speak up, and likely get ignored or rejected, and labeled as the bad guy. Or they can say nothing, and give up on having closeness with their partner.

There are a number of advantages to these moves. Pursuers often feel shut out, unloved, and alone. Pushing to connect is a way pursuers express their hope for change. It proves they care. It helps reassure them that they are giving their all in the relationship. It feels better than the alternative of feeling rejected, unloved, and alone.

One of the disadvantages of pursuing is that it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Working so hard to go after another person and earn their love leaves you feeling exhausted and overwrought, but not loved. The more you push and criticize your partner, the more they pull away, leaving you feeling more alone. When you focus on their faults rather than acknowledging your own vulnerabilities, and your need to be loved just as you are, you bring up your partner’s defenses, and deprive yourself of their love and understanding.

Withdrawers

Partners whose main goal is to have less fighting make a different set of moves. We call these partners “withdrawers.” Their moves are meant to calm things down between themselves and their partner. To turn down the heat. Avoid making things worse. Fix the fighting problem. Get back to a peaceful place together.

These moves can include focusing on the positive. Minimizing the negative. Shifting from emotions to facts, logic, or details. Using humor to relieve stress. Changing the subject to something more pleasant. Giving advice or going to solutions. Getting angry in order to block their partner’s message, especially when they feel at fault.

There are a number of advantages to using these moves. Withdrawers often feel that the only way they can be loved is if they succeed. Emotions can feel like a minefield, where they are certain to fail. Staying calm in an overwhelming situation gives a withdrawer a sense of power and control. It can help them reset from uncomfortable emotions and think more clearly in order to fix the situation. Being level-headed and a fixer has been a way they are recognized and promoted in other areas of their lives.

The disadvantages of withdrawing include the distance it creates between yourself and your partner. Not connecting with your partner and the feelings between you dampens you as a person overall. Being self-reliant and not letting your partner see your pain and vulnerability is a lonely place to be. None of us does well being chronically alone. Not exploring your own emotions also leaves a huge gap in knowing and understanding yourself. Your life force decreases over time.

Understanding your own moves, and your partner’s

Do you see yourself and your moves in the pursuer or the withdrawer? What about your partner? Can you see how the goals of both of these sets of moves have value?

Read and discuss this article with your partner. Talk about the moves each of you make. Discuss the good reasons you each do what you do. Share about the advantages and disadvantages. How do you each experience this?

Pursuing and withdrawing make good sense. You both do what you do for good reasons. Acknowledging this can be a way to see and understand each other better. And maybe a way to begin letting down your protections and doing something different.