What is Healthy Sex?
Can you recall the last time you and your partner danced around the topic of sex? How would you describe that experience? For some couples, their sexual dance is connecting, satisfying and passionate. For others, it can be riddled with confusion, disconnection and insecurity. This is common. Over 50% of couples are experiencing some sort of sexual difficulty. Over 80% of couples struggle with discrepancy, where one wants it more than the other. And 15% of all sexual encounters end with one partner being dissatisfied or frustrated.
When I talk about a ‘dance,’ I’m not talking about a mating ritual or tricks to get you aroused. What I am referring to is the back-and-forth interaction between the two of you. This may be a new way to think about it. Yet, every couple has one. Let’s learn from Dan & Pam:
Pam has been working on a big project that has kept her late at the office for a month. It has made it difficult for her and her partner, Dan, to say ‘hello’ to one another much less have a sex life. Dan feels comfortable talking about his sexual frustrations with Pam. “I really miss having time to hold you and get turned on with you,” he says. Although she has lots to do, Pam takes the time to listen to Dan’s struggle and respond with care. “I hear you. It has been hard to be apart. I remember the last time we were together. It was so much fun! It won’t be much longer. In the meantime, I do have a few minutes. Do you want to Facetime? We can play truth or dare?”
While their sex life has taken a hit, it’s part of the ebb and flow of a sex life over a long-term relationship. And, because Dan and Pam have a strong emotional bond with one another, they can talk about the roadblock and navigate around it together. Not only that but they can negotiate another way to play.
Let’s peek into Norma and Ralph’s dance:
Over time, Norma has found that she is not as interested in sex even though she finds Ralph attractive. When Ralph initiates sex, Norma often says that she is not in the mood. Sometimes, Norma does want to touch Ralph or make out with him, but she worries it will turn into more, so she doesn’t make a move. Rather, she avoids any physical touch or affection. She does not want Ralph to get turned on and then rejected. She wonders, “What’s broken? What’s wrong with me? I must not be good at sex.” This causes her to turn off that sexual part of herself. Ralph starts worrying that she isn’t attracted to him anymore. The more he reaches for her, the more pressure and shame she feels and pushes him away. The more Ralph is rejected, the more hurt and frustrated he becomes, and he protests the lack of sex by getting angry. You can imagine how his anger is received. Over time, this becomes a disconnecting dance.
One of the first things that is important for couples to embrace is the fact that what sex looks like in social culture through movies, books or porn isn’t realistic. It can be discouraging if you are comparing what is happening in your bedroom to what is going down with your favorite movie couple. If you are not having great sex every time or a certain amount of sex, whatever the expectation may be, it can create unrealistic beliefs about you, your partner and about sex in general. You may even develop narratives about and reactions to these beliefs.
The most satisfying, healthy sex lives are among couples who have a strong bond with one another and ways of teaming up to repair disconnections when they occur. These couples tend to have the emotional safety to communicate with one another, even about tough topics. Just think about what may be different for Ralph and Norma if they communicated their inner thoughts and emotions with one another in a vulnerable way.
Communication is a strength when it comes to sex with our partner. It cultivates erotic play, another component of healthy sex. The components of erotic play include the emotional safety to explore and experiment, to be creative and communicate your sexual yucks and yums. Set a goal of making emotional connection your foreplay.
If you want to strengthen the way you and your partner dance within the sexual part of your relationship, tend to the emotional connection with one another.