The Role of Our Bodies in the Negative Pattern

One moment, everything’s great between my partner and me. We’re chatting. We’re relaxed. Our voices are calm. Our conversation is punctuated with laughter. Our facial expressions are open, smiling. We’re making eye contact. Maybe we’re laying back, lightly touching. 

The next moment, one of us says something, and the other stiffens. Our facial expressions contract. Our vocal tones get harsh, abrupt. One of us gets pushy. The other gets edgy. One leans forward. The other pulls back.

What just happened? How can a calm, connected moment suddenly shift to a moment of disconnection? What’s going on here? 

This month we want to look at what happens in our bodies when we lose connection with our partner. The physical reactions that happen between my partner and me in the example above can be explained in part by Polyvagal Theory. It’s a theory developed by Stephen Porges to look at how our nervous systems respond to a threat.

According to Porges, our nervous systems shift between three states: a relaxed, socially engaged state; a heightened, fight or flight state; and an immobilized, frozen state. All three of these states are controlled by the vagus nerve, which connects the brain to the nervous system.

Ventral Vagal State

In the relaxed, socially engaged state, which Porges calls the Ventral Vagal state, our nervous system is in a place of safety, both physically and emotionally. Our heart rate and body temperature are normal. Blood flows easily throughout our body, even to our non-vital organs. Our resistance to infection is optimal. Oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that governs an emotional sense of connection and bonding, is flowing. We feel settled, grounded. In this relaxed, “rest and digest” state, we feel no sense of threat. Our defenses are down. We can afford to be curious and compassionate toward our partner. We do this unconsciously. Our body is telling us, “all is well.” 

Sympathetic State

In the fight or flight state, which Porges calls the Sympathetic state, our nervous system goes on alert. Something has happened that tells our body “all is not well.” Maybe it’s a comment from our partner that we interpret as criticism. Maybe it’s a move by our partner that tells us we aren’t important to them. 

Suddenly our body tells us we aren’t safe. Our adrenal glands send the hormone epinephrine  through the bloodstream. This causes our blood pressure and heart rate to rise. Blood vessels contract, directing blood toward major muscle groups. We breathe more rapidly. Our immune response is restricted. We shift to a defensive posture, driven by some level of fear or anger. In this defensive state, it’s more difficult to access curiosity and compassion for our partner. We may interpret the worry in their face as annoyance, or the panic in their voice as anger. They are likely to make the same misinterpretations of our facial expression and vocal tone. Suddenly our connection is under threat. And our partner, the one who is so important to us, the one with whom we felt so connected just moments ago, becomes the enemy.

Dorsal Vagal State

In the freeze state, which Porges calls the Dorsal Vagal state, our system perceives a threat to life, and shuts down to conserve energy and protect us. In this state our heart rate, blood pressure, and body temperature decrease. Facial expression and eye contact decrease. Attunement to the human voice is limited. Sexual response is inhibited. Insulin activity and fuel storage increase. Social behavior stops. We turn in on ourselves and away from our partner. We may feel numb, helpless, or trapped. We feel alone, and so does our partner. 

Polyvagal Theory and Our Relationship

So how does Polyvagal Theory help us understand those sudden changes in mood and energy between my partner and me? And more importantly, how can it help us take charge of these moments and get back to feeling connected?

First, Polyvagal Theory explains why our reactions to our partner can feel so automatic and hard to control. These three states are hard-wired into our bodies. They are there to protect us from danger. 

Second, it can help us see that our partner’s reactions to us in the negative pattern are also automatic. This can reassure us that our partner doesn’t make the moves they make on purpose. They are an automatic response to feeling that the relationship is under threat.

Third, talking with our partner about Polyvagal Theory, and about the automatic responses we each feel in our body when we don’t feel safely connected, can give us good information to use in those moments when we are reacting automatically. It can help prepare us to be more aware in the moment when the pattern is happening, and we are both in a heightened or frozen state. When we understand what’s happening in these moments, it can help us join together and help calm each other. This is called emotional co-regulation. It’s the key to stopping the negative pattern and getting reconnected. 

Try This Together

Using this chart  that graphically depicts the three states in Polyvagal Theory, discuss the following questions with your partner:

• When you are in the negative pattern with your partner, where do you feel it in your body? What sensations do you notice? (You might want to look at the yellow or red zones on the chart.) 

• When the two of you are in the Fight or Flight state (the yellow zone), which feelings noted here feel most familiar to you? Those in the fear family (worry and concern, anxiety, fear, panic) or those in the anger family (frustration, irritation, anger, rage)? When you are in this protective emotional state, what moves are you likely to make? (Examples: poke, protest, question, criticize, pull back, avoid, use logic, get quiet) Is there any connection between your protective emotions and your moves?

• Are there moments in your negative pattern when you and/or your partner go to the Freeze state? What does this feel like in your body? What is it like for the two of you when one or both of you are in this frozen state?

• Next time the negative pattern comes up, how might you team up to notice that you both are in the Fight/Flight or Freeze State? What moves could you make to calm each other and get reconnected? Can you agree to make a plan to try this next time the pattern comes up?

For more on Polyvagal Theory, check out this video featuring Dr. Stephen Porges. Or this one, featuring therapist Teresa Lewis.