Caught in the storm

Oops, I did it again. And I’m not singing Brittney’s pop hit.

 I let my partner have it, an earful and then some. He deserved it, I tell myself. But do I really believe that? Not really. It helps me to feel justified, even though deep down, I really feel like a monster. Certainly not how I want to be.

 It happens when I see him doing something that starts an old tape playing in my head, “You’re not important, not a priority, not worth time and attention,” which is such a sad tune. This time, I saw him turning away from me when I was trying to share my day. Okay, sure. He was just getting home from work and feeding the dog.

 This energy that brews in my chest gets stronger like a hurricane barreling up through my throat and out of my mouth in bursts of anger and spiteful words. It’s so defeating because this anger-storm pushes him away. And that’s the last thing I want. In fact, I was happy to see him after a long day and excited to share what had happened since I saw him that morning. Now, I’m alone.

Teaming up to calm the storm

 If we let the storm pull us apart each time the tape starts playing for either of us, it gets stronger and more destructive like a hurricane over water. I say “we” because it takes both of us to calm this storm.

 We have prepared our survival kit for when the storm hits. It includes many previous conversations about our triggers and what we do to protect ourselves from painful tapes and emotions. We know how we impact one another. We know our storm-dance intimately.

 Our kit includes an agreement to slow down and team up when we get swept up in the storm or see it on the horizon. It also contains a safe haven to ask for what we need to feel comfort and care. It took time and hard work to gather all of the necessities we need for reconnection. And it is the best investment for our relationship.

It’s time for me to turn toward my partner and repair our connection. Survival kit in hand, I’m on my way.