Stuck behind the wall
It can happen so easily. Things are going fine. We’re having a conversation. My partner shares a painful feeling, something that’s hard for him to carry alone. Suddenly I feel that grinding feeling in my gut. My old wounds get touched, and I tell myself, “It’s all my fault. I put him in this position. I screwed up again.”
To stop these painful thoughts from being true, I go on the defensive. I come up with ideas to fix his problem. I put up a wall of words to protect myself from the pain of disappointing him. And the moment I put up that wall, I can sense him pulling back. He’s on the other side of the wall feeling unheard and invalidated. In an effort to make things better, I just made them worse. And that’s the last thing I want.
How do we get out from behind the wall?
First, we recognize what happened and call it out. My partner and I need each other’s help here. I acknowledge to him that my old wounds got triggered. We’ve been here before, so he understands. He shares what got triggered in him, and reminds me that I’m not responsible every time he has a hard feeling. All he needs from me in those moments is just to listen and hear him, acknowledge his pain. And before you know it, we’re having a different kind of conversation. We’re reconnected. Back on track.
Ways I practice staying present in hard moments
To support this in-the-moment work with my partner, I practice staying present in hard moments by doing meditation. Meditation helps me notice what’s happening in my body and in my feelings, and simply sit with that, tolerate it. Then, when I notice that familiar feeling in my gut, I can more easily stay present, recognize I’m triggered, and be less reactive. Or at least recover and reach for reconnection more easily.
Staying present to the pain and reconnecting with each other when we get disconnected builds a dependable sense of safety and security between us. The moments of disconnection become less scary, less painful. We create a door in the wall that we can reopen together whenever we get disconnected.
