How to turn up the heat

In our busy lives, it can be difficult to find time for intimacy. For many, it can be defeating to get into a sexy mood let alone have a full-on sex session. And yet, for most people, expressing ourselves sexually is a vital part of being human. It is a playful way of interacting and learning about ourselves and our partners. Increasing your sexual energy does not have to involve sex, intercourse or orgasms.

Simmering is an interaction where you feel excited with your partner for a few minutes. The intention is simply to be aroused with your partner because it feels good.

Teens show us how to enjoy the intoxication of arousal.

We can learn a lot about simmering from teens. During a school day, a teen couple meet between classes at ‘their spot.’  They smile at one another, play with each other’s hair, kiss a bit and enjoy a long hug before the bell rings, and they run off to their next class. Other times, you see them sitting on each other’s laps or fondling each other’s hands. Can you remember that ‘buzzed’ feeling? That’s the intoxication of arousal! The more often we simmer, preferably daily, the easier it is to turn the heat up to a sexual experience when the timing is right, and you both would like to do more.

Will simmering send my partner the wrong message?

Some partners are less likely to simmer because they feel as though they will be ‘leading their partner on’ or arousing them to frustration. This is often true for women who feel responsible for their partner’s erection or arousal. If this resonates for you, talk it over. Typically, partners welcome the contact even when their body is aroused, and sex is not going to happen. And it’s okay if you experience a little frustration, which is part of anticipation and passion. If a partner does not welcome touch unless there is an orgasm attached, it would be important to talk about the impact of this requirement on your sex life. Generally, it is not helpful for conditions to be placed on erotic play.

Simmering takes just a few moments.

Simmering can occur any time during the day. A natural time to simmer is when you are greeting or saying goodbye to one another. Other times can be when you are engaged in an activity together, like cooking, or have idle time. The key is to give your partner undivided attention. If you are playing with your partner’s hair while engrossed in a tv show, that’s not simmering.

It invites you to enjoy your partner with all of your senses.

Elevate your touch beyond cuddling. Think about exploring your bodies with your senses. It doesn’t necessarily need to be explicitly sexual (genital touch). It can be PG-rated fun that leads to erotic play later. For example, breathing in the smell of your partner, focusing on the warmth of their skin or curves of their body, the color of their eyes as you gaze, the sound of their breath or the salty taste of their skin as you kiss.

Share your erotic thoughts, with consent.

While touch is the primary focus of simmering, there is something to be said for having erotic thoughts about your partner and letting them know. This can be particularly effective when you are apart during your day. Thinking about a sexual experience the two of you have had in the past, what about your partner turns you on or dreaming about what you would like to do to/with them sexually can be great ways of simmering from afar. The more detail the better. Be sure to talk about simmering in this way to ensure consent.

Establish some shared understandings.

There are some understandings to establish before simmering. Can the two of you agree that simmering is not foreplay and is not intended to lead to sex? Can each of you commit to initiating simmering once a day, for 2-5 minutes? (That means simmering two times/day)  Can you agree to simmering for 2 weeks with an open mind? And agree to talk about the experience with one another a couple times a week? (What do you like? How has it been to initiate simmering? What impact has simmering had on your erotic connection?) These agreements can help build a solid foundation for a new practice.

Turning up the heat on your intimate life goes beyond sexual experiences. Daily simmering is also a way to cultivate arousal and can impact your sex life in a positive way. Try this new recipe and savor the results!