We stopped our dance. Now what?
In our last issue we talked about how you and your partner may get into a Disconnecting Dance, and how you can recognize and stop it. (If you missed our last issue, you may want to check out our Emotion Focused Script to map out and name your Disconnecting Dance with your partner.)
Once you and your partner are able to recognize your Disconnecting Dance when it comes up, and work together to stop it consistently, you may be ready to have a different kind of conversation.
Follow these steps to prepare for a Connecting Conversation:
Step one: Talk together about the fears that come up in your Disconnecting Dance.
Find a calm moment when you aren’t in your Disconnecting Dance. Talk with your partner about the catastrophic fears that come up for each of you when you’re in your dance.
When you and your partner are in your Disconnecting Dance, what do you fear most about yourself, your partner, or your relationship? Think about the things you say to yourself when you and your partner are caught up in your dance.
Some examples might be:
I’m scared you’ll leave me
I’m scared I’m not important to you
I’m scared you don’t love me
I’m scared you don’t see my efforts
I’m scared you don’t value my contribution
I’m scared I’ll never measure up in your eyes
Be as specific as you can. Zero in on the thing you fear most. Share your catastrophic fear with your partner. “When we’re in our dance, I get scared that …..” Talk about this together.
These catastrophic fears are important, because they are what drives the Disconnecting Dance. If you can identify your fear and share it, you open the door for you and your partner to get out of your Disconnecting Dance, join together, and get reconnected.
Step two: Talk about how you could reassure each other when these fears come up.
Now talk with your partner about what you each could say or do to reassure each other when your catastrophic fears come up.
Some examples might be:
Remind me that you love me
Tell me you aren’t going to leave me
Reassure me that I’m important to you
Let me know you see my efforts
Tell me you value my contribution
Remind me I’m good enough for you
Step three: When your dance starts up, stop it.
If you haven’t done so already, use the Emotion Focused Script to map out and name your dance. Then try to recognize and stop it when it comes up.
Step four: Then get in touch with your catastrophic fear, and share it with your partner.
This may be the hardest step of all. But it’s also the most powerful. And it’s the key to starting a different kind of conversation.
Take a deep breath. Notice and get in touch with your fear. (It should be the one you identified and shared with your partner in Step one.) Let your partner know your fear is coming up: “I’m having one of those moments when I’m scared that …..” Then remind your partner of your catastrophic fear.
You have just shifted out of your disconnecting moves, and opened up vulnerably to your partner. When your partner hears your vulnerable fear, it shifts them out of their own disconnecting moves and into a feeling of compassion. It invites them into a different kind of response.
Because you have already talked about this, sharing your fear is also a cue and reminder to your partner that you are trying to do something different. This invites them to do something different as well.
Step five: Reassure each other.
Now give and receive the reassurance you talked about in Step two. If your partner needs a reminder of how to reassure you, tell them: “Can you remind me that I’m good enough in your eyes?” “Will you reassure me that you love me?” It’s risky to ask for reassurance in this way. But it’s the best way to get out of the pattern and have a different kind of conversation. And for both of you to get the reassurance you really need.
