Make a Change that Benefits Both of You.

This year, consider leaving behind a habit that gets in the way of your relationship.

According to Psychology Today, polarizing experiences can cause a couple’s connection to deteriorate. Such experiences include jealousy, taking conflict personally, avoiding difficult topics, blocking your partner’s goals, or closed communication – where partners deliver information rather than talking things over. Repeatedly experiencing your partner as an adversary causes partners to experience their relationship as chaotic and fragile. Talking about such experiences is key to taking away their power to pull you and your partner apart.

Do any of these experiences feel familiar to you? Here are some ways to leave behind habits that may be hurting your relationship.

Identify your part

The first step in making a change that will impact your relationship is to identify your part. What do you do that leads you and your partner to argue or disconnect? Do you get jealous or possessive of your partner (here’s a quiz to test if you are a jealous man or woman)? Deliver information rather than talking things over? Taking responsibility for your own behavior is a key first step.

Focus on the person you want to become

According to James Clear, author of Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones, all of us cling to certain stories about who we are. This makes it really hard to break a bad habit or adopt a new one. It means changing how we see ourselves, which is easier said than done.

Clear suggests a two-step process for adopting a new habit or view of yourself: 1) Decide who you want to be; and 2) Start taking small actions that are consistent with that type of person.

For example, if you want to stop taking conflicts personally, think about being a secure, confident person. What one or two steps could you take that are consistent with being confident and not taking conflict personally? Maybe you could think about someone you know who has that confident, secure approach. What kinds of things do they say and do that reflects their confidence? You could also actively you’re yourself during a conflict, “This isn’t about me. We just disagree. We can work this out.”

Let your environment work for you

Clear suggests we utilize our surroundings to make it more difficult to practice old habits we’re trying to break.

For example, if you want to dial in more to your relationship in the evening rather than checking out on social media, leave your phone in a basket near the door when you come home in the evening. It will be much easier to focus on your partner without the temptation of your phone in your pocket or on the table next to you.

Try habit-stacking

This method involves adding a new habit to something you do every day. Let’s say you want to start reaching out to your partner during your work day. Right after you pick up your morning coffee, or the moment you close your laptop at lunch, text your partner. Let them know you’re thinking of them, share a funny thing that happened at work, or tell them you love them. Soon you’ll have a new habit of checking in briefly with your partner every day.

Key to this approach is being specific: saying you’ll do something on your lunch break is vague. Saying you do it after you close your laptop is specific, clear, and actionable.

By identifying your part, focusing on the person you want to become, utilizing your environment to make old habits harder to keep, and habit-stacking, you can make a positive impact for yourself, your partner, and your relationship!

Blount, A. (Updated July 29, 2021.) Ways to Change a Habit. PsychCentral.

https://psychcentral.com/health/steps-to-changing-a-bad-habit#replace-it

Relationship Basics: Relationship Challenges. Psychology Today.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/relationships/relationship-challenges