Stop the fireworks!
Sometimes fireworks go off in our relationship, but not in a good way. We suddenly don’t feel safely connected, and the sparks begin to fly. No matter how hard we try to douse the flames, things just seem to get worse.
How does this happen? And what can we do to fix it?
We all need safety and belonging
Fireworks like these are understandable when you think about how important you and your partner are to each other. You count on each other for a sense of safety and belonging. As humans, safety and belonging are like food and water. We need them to survive. And when they are under threat, we panic. And we lean on coping strategies in an effort to make things better.
When we don’t feel safely connected, we do our best to cope
Some of us cope by pulling back in an effort to keep the relationship calm and safe. This pulling back can look like explaining, defending, avoiding, getting logical, or problem-solving.
Others cope by poking in an effort to connect and get a response. This poking can look like criticizing, accusing, questioning, labeling or blaming.
The Dance of Disconnection
When our coping styles conflict, we can find ourselves in a painful dance of disconnection. The more I pull back in an effort to keep the relationship safe, the more disconnected you feel and the more you poke in an effort to connect. The more you poke, the more unsafe I feel, and the more I pull back. The more I pull back, the more you poke. The more you poke, the more I pull back. Neither of us gets the safety and connection we both want and need. Both of us feel painfully isolated and out of step with each other.
Work together to map out your dance
How does this dance of disconnection go between you and your partner? Use this worksheet to map out your dance. Give your dance a name: the Twisted Two-Step, the Heinous Hustle, the Misery Mambo (or whatever name fits for you: the battlefront, the cold zone, the hurricane are a few more examples). Talk to your partner about why you make the moves you do. Find out how your moves impact your partner. Then switch.
When the dance starts up, call it out!
Post the map of your dance in a prominent place. Then when you and your partner start making your moves, see who can be the first to recognize you are doing your Dance of Disconnection, and call it out: “Hey, we’re doing our dance/pattern again.” This can help you stop the Dance of Disconnection and get on the same page in order to talk about things in a different way.
Next month we’ll address how to have a different kind of conversation once you’ve stopped the Dance of Disconnection.
