To Stay Connected, Hold Steady.
We’ve all been there. We’re talking with our partner and something they say or do triggers a reaction inside us. We usually feel a familiar feeling in our body. We begin thinking negative thoughts about ourselves or our partner. Our safe connection with them feels under threat, and our fight-flight-or-freeze protections have kicked in.
Usually what happens next is we say things we don’t really mean, or find ourselves unable to say anything at all. Our partner reacts. The conversation goes sideways. We’re back in the negative pattern.
What if there was a skill to help us manage ourselves in these difficult moments? To help us stay attuned to our partner, even when raw spots from our past get triggered? Good news! There is a skill for that! It’s called holding steady.
What is holding steady?
Holding steady is the skill of staying emotionally grounded, even in tough moments. It’s a deliberate choice you make when you notice yourself getting reactive inside. It’s a decision to stay aware, notice what’s happening in your body and mind, and manage yourself instead of shutting down or lashing out at your partner. It takes awareness, humility, and a strong desire to make things better between the two of you.
Why hold steady?
Holding steady is an individual skill that helps both you and your relationship. You use it on your own to manage your own reactivity to your partner. It helps you become more aware of your own moves in the negative pattern, and better able to change them and do something different. Holding steady helps you stay attuned and responsive to your partner, even in tough moments. You are better able to stay connected with your partner, to help them feel heard and understood. In this way, you do your part to stop the negative pattern and build the safety you both need to get closer.
How do we build the skill of holding steady?
Prepare to be aware.
First, do some work on your own to become aware of your personal raw spot or trigger from the past that gets activated in interactions with your partner. For more on identifying your raw spot, check out our article.
Get familiar with what comes up in your body when your raw spot gets touched. What’s the feeling? Where does it show up? Be specific: A twinge of anger in your gut? A tight feeling of sadness in your throat?
Notice what you think about yourself or your partner in these moments: “I don’t matter to you.” “I don’t measure up in your eyes.” These thoughts come from experiences in our past, and represent our worst fears, not what our partner really feels or thinks.
Now put some tools in place for yourself that will help you slow down and stay calm when your raw spot gets touched. These could include taking deep, slow breaths or grounding your feet into the floor. Come up with some calming statements you can use with yourself, like, “Slow down, everything’s okay,” or “This is just your raw spot getting touched. Breathe.”
2. When your raw spot gets touched, manage yourself.
When you’re interacting with your partner and you notice that familiar feeling in your body, or those familiar thoughts going through your head, invite yourself to slow down and stay aware. Recognize you are triggered.
Resist the temptation to lash out or shut down.
Put your calming tools to work: Take those deep breaths. Ground yourself. Coach yourself to stay calm.
3. Refocus on your partner.
Say kindly to yourself, “I realize I’m triggered, but I want to set that aside and stay focused on what my partner is saying.”
Refocus on your partner. Tune in to them and what they are saying.
What if you can’t do it on your own?
If you can’t calm yourself and refocus on your partner, it’s time to call out the negative pattern and team up with them for help.
Let them know what is happening for you, and how you want to do something different than usual: “I’m sorry for interrupting. I really want to hear what you’re saying, but I’m getting pulled into the negative pattern. I’m tempted to lash out/shut you out like usual, but I don’t want to do that.”
Ask for a short break, if needed. Agree together on a time limit. Shorter is better, like 5-10 minutes. During the break, focus on calming yourself and identifying what’s going on inside. If you have a chart of your negative pattern, use it for reference. Then come back together and briefly share what was happening for you. Ask for reassurance, if needed. Then go back to the previous conversation.
Holding steady isn’t easy. It takes lots of practice. But the rewards are great, for yourself and your relationship!