Navigating the Sexual Dance
In long term relationships, we are bound to experience disconnection. We inadvertently hurt one another. If we do not have the practice or skills to repair those hurts, they can contribute to a disconnecting pattern. These patterns can form in the day-to-day or sexual realm of our relationship and affect all areas of our lives together.
Part of what can create difficulty in our sexual interactions is what motivates us to be sexual in the first place. Some lovers seek physical experiences to fulfill a need for security and love or reassurance that they are worthy partners. While being physical with someone we care deeply about can be a unique and connecting interaction, these lovers tend to feel as though being physical is the only way to feel close or the only way they can trust the partner connection. They also tend to have higher desire for sex.
Their partners may not feel as though there is room to express their sexuality. Many feel like a plaything or responsible to fulfill their partner’s needs. This leaves very little room to feel desired or close to their partner. They tend to have lower interest in being physical. Although it makes sense that sex would not be inviting to them, they are experienced by their high desire partner as rejecting and disinterested.
Sex becomes weighty and fraught
As you may guess, the way both partners interact reinforces a disconnecting dance. The more one partner pursues to close the emotional distance they feel, the more their partner withdraws to protect the relationship from conflict. Both want to avoid feeling like an unlovable or bad partner.
The kind of sex that creates connection, fosters play, and curiosity is when couples feel safe and secure in all aspects of their relationship. Securely attached individuals are less likely to worry about their self-worth or about their role in a relationship. Partners are able to talk about what they like and don’t like about sex during and between intimate moments. They are able to be in their bodies rather than thinking so much, which enhances pleasure.
How do we get there?
This is not an easy question to answer, and it takes time, teamwork and care.
1. Consider issues that may be affecting your sexy times outside of your interactions. Are there physiological aspects including painful sex? Trauma history? Chronic illness? It will be important to explore these issues and seek resolution. It is likely that these issues contribute to your disconnection.
2. Although you may want to get to the physical parts, begin with a conversation. It will be vital for both of you to understand the way you have been interacting around sex and what sex means to each of you. Also, the spoken and unspoken messages about sex and being a sexual (or nonsexual) person. If this is too difficult, you may want to reach out to a licensed therapist to support these important talks.
3. It will be important to talk about the kind of sex life you’d like to share together.
4. It may be helpful to take a vacation from genital focused sex while you explore other ways to pleasure. There is approx. twenty-two sq feet of skin on the adult body. Explore all of it!
Navigating a disconnecting sexual dance can be challenging. And there can be a great opportunity awaiting you if you take the risk to learn a new dance. Learning more about yourself, your partner and having a fulfilling sex life could be music to your whole body!