Home (Base) for the Holidays
The holiday season is upon us! Some people embrace this time of year with joy and tradition. For others, it can be a difficult time of year. Strained family connections, uncomfortable emotions or trauma can dampen the holiday spirit. Many of us fall in between – a mixed bag of activities we look forward to, infused with family expectations, fatigue and obligation. This year, consider taking the time to make your partnership a priority. A secure home base with your significant other may make the difference between a fulfilling holiday season and an unsettling one.
Here are a few ideas to consider:
You are a team. Going into this busy time of year united can give you a sense of empowerment and security. If you have children, consider their needs as well. Many kiddos can struggle to navigate family relationships and expectations, manage sleep and overstimulation. It is an investment in your future relationship with them and their own future relationships to include them in decision making, respecting their voice and opinions.
Communicate and listen. Take the time to sit down and talk about what the holidays mean to each of you. Strive to use active listening or the A.R.E. (Accessible, Responsive, Engaged) approach. Growing up, what were the holidays like? What do you look forward to/not look forward to? What support do you need from your partner this time of year? What are your expectations for the holidays? Make this a curious conversation with no intention of making decisions or plans.
Team up and create plans. See if you can find a way for each of you to experience the holidays in a meaningful way. This requires give and take. You may not get all you hoped for, but can you revel in experiencing the most important aspects of the season? What is it like to know your partner is in support of your desires? And, as the partner who is participating enthusiastically in gifting a meaningful experience, can you enjoy that? How does teaming up benefit your connection?
Boundaries and support. Acting as a team, how will you work together to honor your holiday agreements? This can be tricky. It may mean changing the way you interact with family, friends or even co-workers. Setting clear boundaries early in the season and as a team is important. You will go to your in-laws for dinner and skip dessert. You don’t participate in holiday gift giving if finances are a concern or attend only one holiday party. Discuss how you will inform others of your boundaries. It can be helpful to break the news in person or via teleconference. And, if there is any backlash, navigate it together. Write down your response to any protests. It could be as simple as, “I’m sorry that you are having a difficult time with our decision. It is what is right for the two of us this year.”
Boundaries can also be effective during gatherings. Using past experiences as a reference point, identify triggering topics or interactions. Together, construct a way to excuse yourself, such as, “Shoot! I/we forgot to return a phone call earlier, excuse me/us” or be direct using one of these statements:
“This is not something we’re comfortable discussing right now.”
“Sorry, but I won’t be getting involved in this conversation right now. We can talk about it another day”
“Normally, this is something I would discuss with you and I’m not able to right now”
Your partner as a buffer. Our partners can be an advocate for healthy change and growth as individuals. Talk about the pitfalls you anticipate during the holidays. Is there a way you would like your partner to show up? Do they have strengths that come in handy when it comes to navigating delicate relationships? When your sister-in-law becomes judgmental about your career, as she tends to do, come up with a signal for when you need your partner to step in. It may be helpful for them to redirect the conversation, take you out of the interaction or stand up for you. Get on the same page. As a partner who is eager to be a buffer, it won’t be helpful if your moves are unwelcome.
Time alone. Carve out time that is sacred for the two of you. It can take shape by creating your own traditions, making time for couple care or taking a breather for yourself. This can reinforce the bedrock that you are a family, and you prioritize your couplehood. It can make the holidays and the time you spend with dear ones even more special knowing you are secure in your relationship.
Maybe it’s important for you, as an individual, to take time out to go for a run, cozy up in your favorite chair and read or get a pedicure. Remember, dedicating this time to your relationship and yourselves is not selfish. It is self-care and compassionate. If you are not feeling your best, it is difficult to give your best to those around you.
Grace and understanding. When we re-enter our family of origin, we may assume roles or participate in patterns that we developed during our growing up years. It can be difficult to notice and to navigate for ourselves and our partner. This doesn’t mean that the efforts to prioritize your couplehood are failing. Can you acknowledge the pull to adopt old roles and what draws you in? As a partner, can you talk about the feelings that arise and the meaning you make when you see your partner in these roles? Take this information and incorporate it into your holiday partnership. Decide what may be helpful to move away from past roles and patterns that don’t serve you.
The holidays can take a toll on relationships. Yet, with a commitment to team up for the holidays, an opportunity for a meaningful and manageable season is within your grasp. Starting with a clear understanding of what is important to you, plans can be thoughtfully created. Together, you can find ways to stick to your vision of the holidays. And, when old patterns return, support and care for one another to get back on track. Marcia and I wish you a connecting holiday season!